today joke

by J Howard Marshall

Pomona President David Oxtoby confessed that he slept with Anna Nicole Smith last year and now suspects he fathered her daughter.

The well-respected chemist has so far not come forward publicly with his confession. Two persons with knowledge of the situation tell The Student Life that since Smith died in February, Oxtoby has been racked by guilt over his rendezvous with the former Playboy playmate during a chemistry conference in the Bahamas over a year ago.

“Like whoa! I fathered Anna’s child,” Oxtoby reportedly gasped when he learned that Smith had given birth last September. He later explained to our source that “things got kinky down in the lab” and that he and Smith “had at it.”

When the person confronted Oxtoby in a text message about his unbecoming behavior, he texted back: “Whatev. obvi jeal cuz i slpt wit her b4 u!!!!!”

Despite his prowess with a mobile phone, Oxtoby lacked the courage to reach out to Smith in the months following the birth of her daughter Dannielynn Hope Marshall Stern, the source said.

“His cowardice left him feeling guilty,” said the source. “He dreamt of what could have been.”

Smith, born Vickie Lynn Hogan, died of a drug overdose at a Florida Hard Rock Cafe February 8, months after she lost her only son, Daniel, to a drug overdose.

With Smith dead, it is unclear if Oxtoby plans to dispatch lawyers to Florida and the Bahamas to fight for the custody of Dannielynn.

He has so far refused to come forward and admit to his affair with a woman whose anatomical features the Economist magazine once described as “celebrated, American breasts, engineered by silicon to be as broad and bountiful as the prairie.”

What is clear is that the short-term love affair between one of America’s greatest minds and one of its greatest Playmates has had a lasting impact on the College president. Aides say that Oxtoby no longer has the twinkle in his eye and lightness of foot that marked his return from the Bahamian chemistry conference so many months ago.

If Oxtoby does press ahead with the paternity suit, he will face high stakes.

Smith’s daughter stands to inherit nearly a half billion dollars, depending on the outcome of a drawn out lawsuit between Smith and her former husband’s family over J. Howard Marshall’s estate. Oxtoby will join a long line of potential fathers that includes L.A. photographer Larry Birkhead, a random German man named Frederic von Anhalf, Howard Stern, the father listed on the baby’s birth certificate, and conservative political columnist Ann Coulter.

Last week a Bahamian judge ordered a DNA test of daughter in an effort to identify her father. Results of the test are expected to be announced soon, but some experts worry that the results may be unreliable.

Given Oxtoby’s scientific prowess, he may be able to manipulate the DNA sequences, said Lynn Hayes, an astrologer who tracks celebrities.

She said that the alignment of Jupiter showed that the real father is Oxtoby, no matter what the DNA test revealed.

“There is a nice connection between Dannielynn’s Jupiter and Oxtoby’s Venus,” Hayes told TSL. “There’s also a harmonious conjunction between the babe’s Taurus and Oxtoby’s Mercury. The stars are aligned. Oxtoby is the dad.”